you are the sky

It’s been approximately 100 years since my last post. 

Okay, it’s actually been five months. 

I’ve been struggling to find the time.  Truthfully, I’ve been struggling, period.  I can best compare it to the 18km point of a half marathon: your body is starting to shut down and your mind is screaming at you to stop, why are you doing this?

Because I chose to.  It’s not permanent.  It’s okay. 

These days, those three little truths run in my head on repeat.  As I near the end (10 weeks and counting, to be exact) of what has been a truly life-changing program at the Institute of Holistic Nutrition, I am witnessing myself digging very deep into my soul to find the energy and strength to keep going.  Juggling never-ending deadlines that come with a full-time job, classes, assignments, exams and presentations, while trying to nurture my relationships and find time for myself has gone beyond a balancing act.  It’s become an Olympic sport.  And this morning, I did not wake up feeling like a medal contender.

So, why am I writing this?  It’s not to be a Debbie Downer.  I have so much in my life to be beyond thankful for, and I make it my business to focus on that every day (see my gratitude jar post!).  I’m writing because I know that we are all struggling.  It’s what connects all of us.

And we’re all so afraid to admit it.  In writing this, I’m inviting you to give yourself permission to admit it.

Even though we might be screaming on the inside, we want to present to the world that we’ve got everything under control.  We can handle it.  We have endless amounts of time and energy.  We can get it all done.  We are superheroes.  Bring it on.  

Because admitting the alternative feels terrifying, vulnerable and maybe even shameful.  

What if we made the struggle okay?  What if we gave ourselves permission to have a total meltdown?  What if we admitted, even just for a minute, that we don’t have it all under control and we can’t do it all?  What we resist, persists.  So why not give into it. Feel it.  And then practice letting it go.  Practice changing your story around it.  Our thoughts create our reality.  All of a sudden, the struggle becomes an opportunity to grow.

Today, I made the struggle okay.  I cried.  I admitted out loud to feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and like I was unraveling.  I didn't resist any of it.  And around lunch time, I chose growth. What followed were so many unexpected and supportive gifts throughout the rest of my day. I am constantly reminded that when we choose growth, we are also choosing to open ourselves to receive the love and support that is always there for us in the form of friends, family and the universe.   This morning I was greatly supported by members of my amazing network (1,000 thank you's Mike, Mom, Natalie) who mirrored back to me that all of those feelings, while real, don’t have to be true.  Having these feelings doesn’t ‘mean' anything:  it doesn’t mean I am out of control, or incapable.  All it means is that I’ve momentarily lost perspective.  I know you have an amazing support network out there, too.  So use it.  I’m sure members of your network have leaned on you, many times.  There’s nothing to be ashamed of.  You’re a sweet soul having a human experience.  Everything you’re feeling has been felt by all of us.  There’s nothing unique about you, in that sense.  Your uniqueness lies in what you choose to do with all of it.

This is not a dress rehearsal,